ramblings'

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'm not really sure whats been going on with me in the past two weeks. I feel like ive been on a wild rollercoaster ride. I honestly feel like so many things have been dumped on me, and ive been trying to pretend that they dont really exist. I have no interest in things that used to interest me, and i have no idea how to start making the changes i want too.

Jonny suggested I sit down for a little while and work on a pros and cons, handwritten old school list--like with a paper and pen. not and ipad. It honestly was very therapeutic. I have been stressed about where I want to go with my life. I have been indenial about the path that I have chosen for myself. I have put myself in an "army" environment, and now i have to adapt to the decision i've made, whether I want to or not. Which means my profession has to now be one that I can adapt to this path.

My list comprised of:

1. Get my masters in education--become a business teacher/high school level

2. health administration-masters

3. human resource manager

4. nursing

5. accounting--MBA

I was actually surprised that i listed becoming a teacher as number one. Its no secret to anyone that I amd not a HUGE fan of kids. but i feel as though with high school, I can draw from my experience and help pre-college adolescents make smart decisions. Also, I can use my degree/business passion to help ease the pain that my degree/money spent actually means something to me.

I am not even sure how to even go about achieving my new goals. I mean i only left college a mere 2 years ago, but it feels like decades ago.

I know, decisions would be easier to make if Jonny wasnt getting deployed in idk 29 days.

That whole thing was casually sprung on me yesterday after I got back from a run. We both knew the deployment was going to be coming. We both even knew it was going to be in 3-5 months. But neither of us truly expected it to in less than a month. I mean we JUST got here. I havent even got my stupid debit card in the mail yet, and in 32 days he is going to be off in the Ghanzi province of Afghanistan helping fix radios and computers for america's soldiers. I feel like this is literally a dream. I have been doing my research on the Ghanzi province and the area has just been "deemed" secure and not hostile. But HELLLO is friggen afghanistan, no place is safe. Every day there is another KIA--including one from his battalion on friday.  

Then Jonny goes on to tell me how Afghans will dress up in civil clothes and open fire on army cafeterias. Nice Jonny. Way to defuse the anxiety I am already having about you leaving so soon. I hope this means he wont be eating his stupid ham sandwich in a cafteria.

 He called his dad to fill him in on the situation last night, and even his father who was in the military for 30+ years is worried and surprised that he is immediately leaving.

This situation provoked me to email my boss and proclaim that I hope she plans on giving me 60+ hours a week in work, because I dont want to have a spare minute to myself to think about any of it. Come July, I am sure I will be complaining about being over-worked, but I'll just re-read this blog and remind myself that 'Laura, you did this to yourself'.

The worst part was that I had to tell my parents that I would be coming back for 3-4 months. They werent exactly THRILLED. I think they finally thought I flew the coop, and now i am returning 2 months later. I tried to explain to them--jonny and i just got here, we have 3 friends--2 of which are probably deploying. My only girl-friend is not even going to be around 2 months out of the summer. I have no job, or a job where the money would be so great to persuade me to stay here by myself for the duration of the summer. I miss my family. I miss my poppy friends. I miss the beach. There is no life, like the Cape Cod summer life--and only the ones who are born and raised on that piece of paradise truly know how you come to respect it.

I guess I am kind of dissapointed in the past month I havent really made a stellar effort to make friends in NC. But my whole neighborhood consists of privates (jonny isnt suppose to intermingle with them), adults--like 30-40s with BABIES (i am not looking to get stuck babysitting any time soon), and legit mail order bride situations. All I want are some normal people, like me, that enjoy going out, shopping at normal stores and not Walmart, and want to take spontaneous trips. Most of the girls what surround me, never leave their houses and just wait on every beck and call from their men. I have always been the Alpha in any relationship i've been in. The life I am currently living in NC is such a joke. I thought it would be fun to be a "housewife", but let me tell you how unhappy it makes me. I dont mind cooking once or twice a week, but EVERY DAY!? No way. No thank you. It's sad that my daily list consists of cleaning, laundry, and organizing. I can't believe women actually do this for a living. The highlight of my day is running to the mailbox to see if any one remembers that I still exist.

I miss my friends so much. I feel like so many good things have been happening to everyone around me. It's hard to not be jealous sometimes, and I am NOT usually the jealous type either. I think ive just been finding myself slightly irriated that I only talk superficially with friends. There's always time for lightheartedness--a quick text, sending a tweet etc., but the older I get there needs to be more time for a "deep" connection with friends. One of the only things I miss from childhood was how you would always pick up the phone and call and make physical plans. I just feel like our generation is losing the power of a real connection. The most frustrating of all, is that I dont think there is a universal solution to this problem. I know everyone is so busy, but in the 2 hours you waste on facebook a day--cant you use that time to pick up your expensive smart phone and call someone? Dont you always love the way you feel when you get off the phone with someone? Its definitely something to think about.

I've been trying to find some type of volunteer group to join. Nothing interesting has turned up so far--that doesnt involve just giving money to the poverty. Every corner in fayetteville, nc are people begging for you to help their improvished neighborhood. It truly angers me how people are always begging for money around here and all they do is spend it at the 400 strip clubs and gun shops. Seriously, just get away from me.

As I am extremely sad to be leaving Jonathan for a few months--I am looking forward to dragging myself out of this funk and putting myself in a more positive situation.

I guess there is no time but the present.

I really liked this quote...

"You know all those things that you've always wanted to do? You should go do them."

I like how direct and to the point it is. Like seriously Laura, stop making excuses and just do what you want. I used to be that person who never thought about and analyzed the situation, but would just act. Its time to get back to that person. Big things ahead, Big decisions to be made.

I think I am actually ready!

I actually feel a little better after rambling on.